I just want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad. Hide your diamonds, hide your exes, I’m a little bit Alexis! Oh, I’d kill for a good coma right now. Like Beyoncé, I excel as a solo artist. If you’re looking for an ass to kiss, it’s mine. This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage… I was half expecting early Unabomber.

OK, yeah, no, I did not write this… OK, like, I didn’t even choose this font! It’s horrible. What kind of barnyard were you raised in? I don’t want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as ‘up for anything.’ The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you… a lot. I totally get that. We just need a body. Then go to the morgue.

Please schedule your tour and consultation. Let’s talk today!